Loser

Right, a few of you have been asking me about how come I'm so overly religious hehe. To try and give an answer to anyone's questions, I'm posting my testimony up here. It's basically what I went through that changed my life, my personal encounter with God. If anyone wants to ask me something about it, or about God in general, don't hesitate to ask. You can ask me in person if you don't want to post it as a comment. Enjoy ;)


Loser

All my life I’ve been grateful for what I have. I was raised a Catholic and have always gone to Church on Sundays and done what was expected of me. I’ve always wanted to do what I thought was right and I’ve always believed that God existed. As I got older, I started going into things that a lot of people go through. I’d start going out on weekends to clubs, drinking, taking interest in girls, etc. I used to love listening to Metal, it gave me a way to deal with pressure and frustration, and I loved the feeling it gave me when I listened to it and played it. All through this, I had fallen into many temptations several times, and I’d go and confess them. I was still in touch with my religion, and I still prayed occasionally.

All this left me as what I’d like to think was a good person. I had a lot of great friends whom I held in high regard, I did well in school and was never involved in drugs or anything like that. Everything was going great. There was just one problem. I wasn’t happy, not truly. I had good times and enjoyed doing a lot of the things I did, but I’d also find myself at home feeling horribly lonely and depressed, with this empty feeling inside me. I’d ask myself ‘Is this all there is to life? Isn’t there anything more? More real?’ All my life consisted of was a repeated cycle of working during the week, going out on the weekends and drinking or partying away my worries. I had nothing that made my life worth living, I saw no real purpose to doing anything.

I always read stories, watched movies and played games (especially fantasy ones) because I always liked the fact that the characters were fighting for something they believed in, they had a reason to go on. I envied them for that. I tried to live my life by a set of morals, but I’d always do something that’d break them. It could have been anything, from getting drunk and doing something stupid with a girl to letting a friend down. I felt I could never live by even my own standards of principle. And all around me, society’s principles seemed even lower than mine, as doing what I felt was wrong was something ‘normal’.

The first step came when I did the Alpha Course. My mom had been involved in it along with my uncle for a few years and she was always pestering me to attend. Now, as most people would think, I thought I had better things to do with my time. But just when I started sixth form, my mom asked a neighbour of mine, who I had befriended since she started the at the same school as me, to attend. Surprisingly enough, my friend agreed to do it. When my mom told me that, I said “What the heck, I’ll do it. At least I won’t be alone and it’ll shut my mom up if anything”. So I did the course, and after a couple of months, I finished it. The only weird thing was that I actually enjoyed it. I learned some things about my religion that I didn’t know, and it got me to pray a bit more and read the Bible. I wouldn’t say it changed my life though, cause after I went back to doing the same things I did before. And because of that, I carried on feeling the same way about life.

Not knowing what else to do, I prayed to God about it. When I say ‘prayed to God‘, it was more like speaking my thoughts and feelings out loud, though I used to like to pretend I was directing them to God. In any case, He gave me an answer. I realised that I kept my faith separate from my life. I gave my faith what it was due but I didn‘t apply it to my life. I wanted to control my life and live it as I wished. When I realised this I couldn’t help but feel like such a hypocrite. From there I knew that I could go deeper and learn to know God, and I knew that to do that I’d have to change. This prospect scared me immensely. This was the life I have always led, and I didn’t want to let go of all the things I had grown to love. I didn’t want to become one of those ‘Church people’ who spend all their time saying the Rosary at home and never go out and have the fun I had. I always liked to make my own plans and be in charge of my own life. Giving up control was something I felt I couldn’t handle.

Then a friend of mine, who was also the drummer in the band I was in, found God in his life. This surprised me a lot, I mean I never would have thought of him living for Christ. He had joined the Marana Tha’ Community and invited me to go up for one of the talks. I took him up on his offer. The talk we received was about how we must thirst for the Spirit and give up our lives for Jesus. I was amazed, this talk was clearly for me and I knew God was calling me. Again the fear of leaving all I knew behind seeped in, but I looked at what I got from my life up until now, and it wasn’t what I imagined. For all my efforts, all I was left with was stress, frustration, worry, sadness and loneliness. So I made a decision. I told Jesus, ‘Lord, this is what my life has been and it has given me nothing worth living for. So I’m going to trust you. If there is more to this life than what I’ve found, show it to me and I will live my life for You’.

From that day on I changed. I felt so incredibly relieved and so happy! I felt the Spirit of Christ working in me everyday. I had a reason to live: to proclaim the name of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, to worship Him and spread the Good News. I’m happy to say that I’m not a ‘Church person’, I still do the things I love doing, I still go out on weekends and have fun, but all the things that caused me grief, that gave me a reason to worry, are gone. Finding Christ is a big step but a small change. The Spirit is gentle and won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. I found giving up the bad things in my life much easier, mostly because something inside me saw them for what they were and I didn’t want to do them anymore.

Life is a journey, and I’ve just begun my path. I know that many troubles lay ahead, as well as many joys, but everyday I wake up always trying to build my relationship with Jesus and get to know him better and better. Dying to the world is a scary prospect, but being reborn in Christ is something so much more wonderful than anything you will ever find on Earth.

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." Luke 9:24